Comments on He He's Poems (3)

 

Pan Tailing: Untitled or Untitled with He He
This body is hard to break small waist, just past the chaos and noise。
Only acacia cut more dense, poor lonely cut also high。
Ups and downs of the past know how much, weaving time to toil。
The old dream is still in the west wind blowing old hair。      He He comments: This is a very rare good work, praise not much to say。Move it my way。I do not use the current pronunciation of the "into the sound" in the appropriate oblique。"Fold" falls into this category. Now pronounce it flat。"Chaos and clamour", "hard work", "hair on the temples" three places feel uncomfortable。In addition, "lonely cut is still high" is not as good as the front "Acacia cut more dense"。 改作
Born hard to break down the small waist, long tired of numerous dust and clamour。
A wisp of acacia sparse and dense, a few melancholy fall still high。
Polish the old sentence because of the tired name, mend the time is the world。
Residual dream who shared, this body sighing Hongmao。 
Sun Wen: Desk lamp
Soft light in the case long accompanied, Yi xing drinking poetry did not sleep at night。
Jun sentimental often remember, acacia written full of pink paper。 He He comments: The language is not refined, less planning。In particular, the transposition can not pave the way for the conclusion well, making the conclusion feel abrupt。 改作
Soft light with cold, Yi xing flying night did not sleep。
Jun from the amorous pen bottom, with acacia color dyed red paper。 
He Fang: Linjiang Xian • Look at the sea
   The vast expanse, the flock of gulls dazzled the clear sky。The tide is flat and the tide rolls in the picture。Leisurely day common ground, tilt the color blend。   
In the embrace of spring flowers, poetic heart covers the sky。The champion goes straight to the sea。Cut clouds and waves, brush writing Tang style。       He He comments: This is grand and heroic, extraordinary momentum。Individual sentences should be adjusted。The second sentence, "Flock of gulls dazzled the clear sky," does not match the overall pattern。The last sentence of the film "pitch color blending" is less than meaning。"Spring blossoms" is at odds with this sentence or the whole passage。Although the author takes Haizi's poem, I think the "spring blossoms" of Haizi's poem depends on the overall situation of Haizi's poem, which may not be good in this poem。The last sentence is imprecise and rhymes。I feel that the tone of the pen is a little high, and after the middle of the text, the heart is willing but the force is insufficient。Therefore, I felt that my breath was not smooth, and then I cried out my throat and could not make a high note, which is the so-called unsustainable。 改作
  A vast expanse of spring, silver gull wings in the sky。Tide to draw the picture。Leisurely through the ages, sigh poor。   
In the bosom of the bright bright Xia, the heart of poetry swallows the sky。The champion goes straight to the sea。Cut the cloud for paper, the words and pens。 
Fu Lizhen: Autumn
Autumn silk into the rhyme geese fly south, xie fall gold drizzle。
A volume of Qing sorrow with sleeve dance, disorderly flower static place the end of the world sad。 He He comments: The second sentence is a little sluggish。After three words three flat tail, and does not know what。 改作
It is the west wind and cold rain, autumn geese fly south。
Clear a volume of sorrow into a dream, you can not call back in the end of the world。
Fu Lisheng: Gift cranes
The vast earth Fu song flying, laughter music along the way。
Have xing know Horqin, bridge mirror with you。
    He He comments: The first sentence "old dry", official document language, big and empty。The second sentence "music" is elegant, but it is not a real scene, and there is suspicion。Writing poetry captures the most wonderful moments of things in small details, and it is vivid and interesting when implemented literally。  改作
Hand in hand had led a laugh to fly, grassland seeking dream shadow。
The bridge slanted and looked in, and the lakeside looked back and raised his eyebrows。
Fu Lisheng: Xie He
The universe has meaning to meet, only to meet thousands of miles。
Laughter and words spread widely, poems and books drop ink to send thoughts。
He He comments: This is the kind of poetry that is both qualified and without problems。But it's not funny, it's not moving。Must have a mirror, picture sense。There must be something outside the picture, something unexpected。
改作
Fate is destined from the previous life, acacia a thousand miles away。
Once remember grassland hand in hand, day highland wide night wind light。
Fu Lisheng: Si He
Wall books mural bitter cultivation, Qu Fu poetry to learn the classics。
Cruise a thousand years of spirit, today's drunken chant deep feeling。
He He comments: This work still has the disease of words not meaning, and does not refine the plot to the most basic images。Where there is no scene, there is no situation？
改作
The heart is hard to cultivate, a song or two under the hedge。
What spring breeze after a slight rain, think you everywhere affectionate。 
He He Tonglian: Box 1-101, Building 33, Jinyuan, New Hualian District, Tongzhou, Beijing 101100